Life, Fandom, & Anything in Between

Hi, it’s been a while. I’ve been really busy for the last couple of months. Especially with 2NE1 AON concert stuff (I’m a 2NE1PH staff) which turned out to be a complete – well, I’m not saying the word but let’s just say, I have a lot of regrets. I am not in the mood to talk about it. And I’d like to think I’ve moved on. So on with new things.

If you’ve noticed, I changed the layout of this blog. I did a few mockups before deciding on this one. The layout turned out just ok though – for me. I feel like there’s still something missing. And I still need to add a few features like make it responsive but that’s for another day or time. I just want to blog right now.

This is actually a fresh install of WordPress. I’ve been wanting to do this. Especially, I wanted to stay away from paid blogging. I know it’s good for extra income but I want to be a genuine personal blogger. I can stand a few banner ads here at my site but paid blogging is just too much for me.

By the way, the shoutbox in the sidebar is a WordPress plugin I created. It’s my first time to create a plugin and yes I know it’s just a shoutbox. I am just a newbie at this. I worked on it on and off since November. I feel so proud. =D I decided to create a shoutbox plugin because there aren’t really decent shoutboxes out there after shoutmix (which is now paid unfortunately), aren’t there? Right now, it’s in its “test phase” because I don’t know if the codes really work. LOL. I hope so.

Anyway, I want to hit the reset button on my life. It’s more like letting things go. I want to mellow down a bit on fandom and focus on improving what I know as web designer or coder. I feel like I wasted 10 or so years of my life just fangirling or watching things and stuff. I feel like I haven’t progressed at all. But I still find myself watching stuff. Well, baby steps.

The other day, I had an exam then an interview for a job I applied to online. I wasn’t really thinking (and reading) when I clicked the apply button. All I know is, it’s in the neighbor city which is the only possible place (other than this city – which doesn’t really have work opportunities for me) I can work at, due to health reasons. I only realized after the exam that they are looking for someone more advanced than me. I know I failed the other half of the exam and I went home thinking I wouldn’t get the job. The next day, they informed me that I’m scheduled for an interview. I was really in a good mood that day because of it. I didn’t know then that I would more or less flunk the interview the next day.

I guess I didn’t really flunk the interview but maybe I embarrassed myself or something. I don’t really know how to describe what happened. I just know that, I failed miserably. I went home heartbroken. Not because I’m not getting the job. But because I’m disappointed at myself. It’s been ten years since I started learning how to create websites and although I know compared to ten years ago, I am way knowledgeable and I did improved a lot, I haven’t really learned the important things. I feel like with ten years of “experience”, I should be way more advanced that what I am right now. Instead, I got stuck at this level and I blame myself because I chose to get stuck here. Seven years ago, I applied for a similar position and what hurts the most is, I am possibly not getting this job for basically the same reasons.

When I was on my way home last night, I found myself crying, asking myself where have I been and what was I doing for the last ten years? I’m already at my late twenties and I feel like I’m still like those young twenty-somethings who are unsure of what to do with their lives. Why does my career choice so complicated? Why did I decided to be in this “web” business even though I am not a graduate of any IT course (or any course for that matter) and everything I learned is through self-study? Can’t I just be like other people who graduated and found jobs they like? I know what I am now is the result of bad decisions I made in my life. But still, can’t help but have these questions. I don’t actually regret things. But I do wish that I found out what I want to do early in my life.

3 thoughts on “Hitting The Reset Button

  1. Thea July 11, 2014 at 9:00 am

    *sending virtual hugs*

    I don’t think you have to regret anything. Things happen for a reason and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. There are a lot of people out there who have not graduated that have found success after pursuing their passion. Never give up, Ate Rozeh!

    Pagka nagka-raket ako, sabihan kita. :)

  2. Maan July 13, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    I think it’s when you’re pursuing your passion that you feel more vulnerable and frustrated when the direction you end up taking isn’t the one you have in mind.

    I have a job but I’m not passionate about it and I do feel the same from time to time, yung parang I’ve wasted a lot of my time doing something I don’t like doing. Yes it pays the bills and I get to do what I want but I feel like I’ve trapped myself & not really achieving anything.

    In your case, you have that freedom to choose what you want to do but you really need to push yourself to do it. Enough with the second guessing. Push lang ng push until you get what you really, really want. Remind yourself na lang that all your efforts will be rewarded eventually.

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