Hi, it’s been a while. I’ve been really busy for the last couple of months. Especially with 2NE1 AON concert stuff (I’m a 2NE1PH staff) which turned out to be a complete – well, I’m not saying the word but let’s just say, I have a lot of regrets. I am not in the mood to talk about it. And I’d like to think I’ve moved on. So on with new things.
If you’ve noticed, I changed the layout of this blog. I did a few mockups before deciding on this one. The layout turned out just ok though – for me. I feel like there’s still something missing. And I still need to add a few features like make it responsive but that’s for another day or time. I just want to blog right now.
This is actually a fresh install of WordPress. I’ve been wanting to do this. Especially, I wanted to stay away from paid blogging. I know it’s good for extra income but I want to be a genuine personal blogger. I can stand a few banner ads here at my site but paid blogging is just too much for me.
By the way, the shoutbox in the sidebar is a WordPress plugin I created. It’s my first time to create a plugin and yes I know it’s just a shoutbox. I am just a newbie at this. I worked on it on and off since November. I feel so proud. =D I decided to create a shoutbox plugin because there aren’t really decent shoutboxes out there after shoutmix (which is now paid unfortunately), aren’t there? Right now, it’s in its “test phase” because I don’t know if the codes really work. LOL. I hope so.
Anyway, I want to hit the reset button on my life. It’s more like letting things go. I want to mellow down a bit on fandom and focus on improving what I know as web designer or coder. I feel like I wasted 10 or so years of my life just fangirling or watching things and stuff. I feel like I haven’t progressed at all. But I still find myself watching stuff. Well, baby steps.
The other day, I had an exam then an interview for a job I applied to online. I wasn’t really thinking (and reading) when I clicked the apply button. All I know is, it’s in the neighbor city which is the only possible place (other than this city – which doesn’t really have work opportunities for me) I can work at, due to health reasons. I only realized after the exam that they are looking for someone more advanced than me. I know I failed the other half of the exam and I went home thinking I wouldn’t get the job. The next day, they informed me that I’m scheduled for an interview. I was really in a good mood that day because of it. I didn’t know then that I would more or less flunk the interview the next day.
I guess I didn’t really flunk the interview but maybe I embarrassed myself or something. I don’t really know how to describe what happened. I just know that, I failed miserably. I went home heartbroken. Not because I’m not getting the job. But because I’m disappointed at myself. It’s been ten years since I started learning how to create websites and although I know compared to ten years ago, I am way knowledgeable and I did improved a lot, I haven’t really learned the important things. I feel like with ten years of “experience”, I should be way more advanced that what I am right now. Instead, I got stuck at this level and I blame myself because I chose to get stuck here. Seven years ago, I applied for a similar position and what hurts the most is, I am possibly not getting this job for basically the same reasons.
When I was on my way home last night, I found myself crying, asking myself where have I been and what was I doing for the last ten years? I’m already at my late twenties and I feel like I’m still like those young twenty-somethings who are unsure of what to do with their lives. Why does my career choice so complicated? Why did I decided to be in this “web” business even though I am not a graduate of any IT course (or any course for that matter) and everything I learned is through self-study? Can’t I just be like other people who graduated and found jobs they like? I know what I am now is the result of bad decisions I made in my life. But still, can’t help but have these questions. I don’t actually regret things. But I do wish that I found out what I want to do early in my life.